It’s time to talk seriously about relationships and your role in creating love in your life. Now I am not talking about romance here, although it’s part of the discussion. I am talking about all relationships, with family, friends, partners, peers, and everyone in your life. You deserve to have relationships that love, honor, and respect you.
You deserve to have loving, kind, compassionate people in your life. And you deserve to have the love you want, no matter how much you have been unloved in the past.
This week we talk about a subject that affects us all, how we chase love with a big heart and determined love, choosing the most unlovable and unloving people to help us prove that we are worthy of love. There is a much better way and we’re going to explore it in this week’s article and podcast.
Have you ever loved someone so much that you were determined to make the relationship work out, no matter what it took?
Have you ever been in a relationship where you thought everything in your life depended on it?
Have you ever felt that you would die if someone wasn’t in your life (maybe not physically die but you just cannot imagine living your life without them)?
Be honest, we have all had that relationship in one way or another, the one that took so much time, energy, and effort and every bit of dedication and determination we had and yet, it ended, sometimes badly. And we remember it forever.
Do you still think about the one that did not work out, the big heartbreak, the one you could not help, change, or convince that you loved them?
I call this big heart relationships and we have all had a ‘big heart’ towards someone.
Our big heart allows us to put endless effort into the relationship no matter what it costs us emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually.
Our big heart allows us to never give up even when we do not seem to be getting any rewards for our efforts.
Our big heart allows us to be determined in how and who we love and we are 100% committed to showing our love and support to everyone we have a big heart for.
But our big heart hides our deepest darkest secrets about love and relationships:
- That we are not worthy of being loved
- That no one has or will ever love us
- That we will only be hurt by love
- That we must give love without getting love in return
- That we will one day realize our deepest fear that we really are unlovable, unloved, and not worthy of love.
Determined love compels us to love someone, to show them how much we love them so they will love us in return, no matter what they do to us or how they treat us. This includes family, children, and those closest to us. Do you have family members who do not ‘love, honor, and respect’ you, who really treat you badly, who are disrespectful, manipulative, toxic, dishonest, and abusive and you still give them your time and energy and you do your best to show them how much you love them?
Determined love is connected to our Big Heart energy because it is the fear of being unloved and unlovable that makes us continue to seek love from those who have already shown that they do not love us, or who cannot or won’t love us in a way that meets our description of love.
This is a key point here. We have our own definition of love, of what we believe is loving behavior, and that meets our criteria for feeling loved. Anyone who doesn’t meet these criteria is not a loving person, as far as our love definition is concerned. I call this your ‘love language, a term I coined in 2012 when I introduced my first ‘Raise Your Love Vibes’ program.
Don’t get me wrong, there is no directive saying that you need to love everyone in your life by giving them endless opportunities to mistreat you. And there are people who tell you that everyone loves you in their own way and that may be true but someone who shows their love by being mean and abusive is someone you need to love from a great distance. Or if they are so toxic that being around them is emotionally, mentally, or physically dangerous, you may consider removing them from your life altogether.
There is also no directive which states that family members can operate under a different behavior standard than anyone else.
Determined love together with a Big Heart can lead to disastrous consequences in relationships. We consistently choose the ‘wrong’ person, we consistently put ourselves in situations where we give and never receive, and we try, again and again, with the same kind of person, no matter how many times we have failed before, because we must prove ourselves worthy of love. Why can’t we just know that we are already worthy of receiving love and of connecting with people who are able to, want to, can, and will love us with love that is fulfilling, compassionate, kind, considerate, and true?
Big heart relationships happen because we have a deep, unfulfilled, unsatiable need for love to make us feel whole. They start when someone does not love us enough, we are hurt, traumatized, or feel unloved.
Big heart relationships always start from our own love trauma and they highlight our need to be loved, to have love, to feel wanted, desired, cherished, and to matter to someone. But not just from anyone.
Our Big Heart love seeks love by finding the most unloving, unloved, unlovable person that we can and giving them the love that we want for ourselves.
It doesn’t make sense when you say it out loud, but in big heart relationships we believe that if we can make the unloved feel loved, can get the unloving to love us, and to love the unlovable, then we will be healed and whole, we will be blessed with love, and we will fix our own wounded heart, forever.
How has this worked for you so far? Probably not very well…
If you’re feeling strong emotion now and resonating with this that’s good because you are seeing yourself in this situation and hopefully seeing that there are some alternative paths you can take to have the love you want in your life without compromising yourself. Don’t judge or criticize yourself. Big hearts are the product of big wounds and big trauma and along with our Determined Love, they are our only recourse for saving our self-esteem and proving that no matter what happened to us or what we were led to believe about our lovability, we are still lovable.
And if you do resonate with my Big Heart, Determined Love premise you are probably thinking about the one you could not get to love you in return, who rejected, abandoned, or betrayed you, who has done this to you over and over again, or that you have silently grieved for many years.
I remember a client’s Big Hearts story that ended in so much heartbreak that she never married, never had children, and spent a lifetime grieving what she called her ‘missed opportunity’ to have love that even her most Determined Love could not change. Listen to the podcast for this story.
If you’re wondering whether you are just permanently doomed to have painful love relationships or not being loved, or making bad choices, let me tell you that there is hope for the loving, fulfilling, joyful, committed, respectful and blissful love relationship that you want. Maybe you do not even want it at this point, you just think about having a relationship that isn’t a replay of the past. Well, there is hope for you.
Yes you can manifest love and it doesn’t have to be painful or disastrous. You just need to switch a few beliefs off and turn some different beliefs on and be willing to take a different approach to love. You also need to create an end point for your suffering and a starting point for your new love path. Will that be today, tomorrow, next week or month or year? It’s your choice and your decision and if you’re afraid it’s because you do not trust yourself to create something you have never had before – there’s always a first time for everything. That’s understandable but it’s something you can change too, once you know where to begin.
Let’s start this move from leading with your Big Heart Determined Love that seeks love to fill the empty, black hole of your love and relationship trauma, to being confident, clear, and setting your course to love. It does involve some inner healing work but not in the way you think, and it doesn’t take months or even years, unless you want it to.
You may be clinging to your story of lost love, betrayal, and rejection in an attempt to convince yourself that relationships aren’t worth it. In that case just admit it and stop trying to create a relationship that you do not really want. You may not trust yourself to make better choices or be convinced that ‘true love’ isn’t just a fairy tale. Again, if that’s you then admit it and don’t waste your time or energy trying to create something you really do not want.
But if you are willing to try something new, to take a chance on yourself, to get out of your uncomfortable and restrictive comfort zone and just see if there is the possibility for love, then stay with me and I’ll show you what you can do to open that door.
First, acknowledge that you have a wounded heart – something happened to you and you feel unlovable, betrayed by those who were supposed to love you or who you rightfully expected to treat you in a more loving way. That’s an established fact. Now how long do you live with the anger, disappointment, and resentment? How long have you already lived with it? How much longer do you want to live with it?
If your answer is that you want to change this situation right now, good. Let’s move on.
There is a process to manifesting love – any kind of love, and it can be used by anyone who genuinely wants love in their life or who wants to see if it is really available to them – you do not have to be fully committed to having a relationship, you just have to be willing to consider the possibility for yourself.
If you’re in the IDEA – the Bridge from Intention to Manifestation class, you know that the first step in any manifestation is not intention, it is finding and responding to the energy gap. We initiate the manifestation process from our energy gaps, where we have ‘run out of energy road’ in a situation and feel unfulfilled, out of touch, and out of place. This is not a bad place to be but it is rather uncomfortable. Well, this applies to manifesting love and relationships too.
In your Big Heart and Determine Love state, your energy gap is the problem because your entire life is centered around the energy gap that is an illusion built and maintained by your trauma around love, relationships, and connections. Your fears, doubts, and anxieties about love is an energetic black hole which is funneling all of your energy into its resolution.
But if you know anything about black holes, they cannot be filled because they have no bottom or foundation. So let’s start there.
What is the foundation for your Big Heart?
What is your secret fear about love and relationships that you think will never happen?
What is it about you, because of something that was done to you or that happened to you, that you believe makes you absolutely unlovable, unworthy of love, and that means no one will ever really truly love you?
This becomes the place you make whole, shifting your beliefs about your unlovability to being worthy and deserving of love as you define it and want for yourself.
Stop looking for the fairy tale, happily ever after love (whatever that means) that will save you from your unlovableness? Get real and be realistic. You are lovable and worthy of love. It can happen for you and it will when you take the right steps to turn your belief in being unlovable to being worthy and deserving of love, and of being able to create love in your life. Your determined love aspects that make you work so hard to make the unlovable and unloving love you can be used to convince yourself that you can have love in your life, in every way. Remember we are not just talking about romance here, every single relationship in your life with every person in your life should be kind, respectful, compassionate, and loving.
What does it take for you to turn your Big Heart, giving all it takes to fill the energetic black hole of your love trauma, to being in a balanced, whole, and joyful relationship with everyone in your life and not putting any time, energy, or effort towards the people who do not love, honor, and respect you?
Here’s the important question – what is it like to have relationships that give you to, that you can receive from, and that you know are loving, fulfilling, and that are examples of your lovability?
What is it like to be a receiver instead of always being the giver?
And as far as your Determined Love is concerned, can you be as determined to ensure that you feel loved by those in your life as it is for you to seek that for others?
What happens when your love and relationship needs are met?
If you’re a loving, compassionate, caring, nurturing person, which many of you are, then you are naturally loving and giving and that’s great. You just need to ensure that the people you are showering with your love and affection appreciate and value it and that you are not trying o love the unlovable or unloving just to show yourself that you can or to fulfill some deep seated need to heal your own trauma.
You can manifest love in your life by simply shifting your Big Heart and Determined Love to meeting your own healed and whole needs and not trying to prove to yourself, and more importantly, to those who hurt you, that you can get them to love you. Because you can’t and you live with that secret fear every day.
But that is not a sign that you are not lovable or worthy of love, it’s a reminder that you cannot control what others think, do, or say, and that those who choose to be unlovable or unloving are acting out of their own self-interest and doing what is right and best for them.
At some point you have to acknowledge their choices and move on to find and connect with the people who can love, honor, and respect you, who see you as loving and worthy of love, and who are ready to give you the love you want and deserve.
**By Jennifer Hoffman