Quote from pinealcone on 08/26/2020, 11:35 PM

I notice a surge of energy inside that must tell of resentment, rage, fear, pain, and guilt about not being able to share my experience of mother’s hate of me, without getting attacked back, discounted, and further humiliated in thousands of disappointing and failed communications with others. I realize, and embrace just how all these feelings can come from getting raped, and murdered by mom, and gram, then being neutered and blamed by mom, when Gram died on top of me during orgasm when I was just 5 years old. 

Somehow, though, it seems many times more powerful a resentment from no one ever listening with validation, and empathy, just how horrible it is to watch as hundreds of women, and girls get help, and validation, and some, without, even trying or appreciating validation when there seems so many ways to stay on vacation with their pain, and guilt while acting out behaviors that reek with revenge back on other boys, and men. Even saying this means that I must suffer from great envy of women getting help if they want it, or, even don’t want it.

Are little boys so disgusting a role to play here on Earth, that one of us could survive through such emasculation, toxic humiliation, and live over six decades suffering thousands of similar replications without one kind word from any other man or woman here, except “ We all have to love our mother, so we shouldn’t ever talk like that”? All 65 years times 365 nights I have survived a recurring dream where ‘they’ were coming down death row to drag me to the electric chair to execute me for my own continual self conviction of this crime, that I never committed: that I, a five year old boy raped, and killed his Grammy, and deserved to be neutered and sent away from the family to protect mom from ever getting found out. 23,725 times almost getting executed sort of sets in a discipline in my mind to continue to accept other’s reality when no one seems to want to witness the truth about the seeming taboo of speaking in any negative way about anyone’s mom.

What is up with this? I see some getting in real trouble from burning an American flag, or not deferring to eat apple pie, like some sort of initiation to prove our devotion especially during War, or if a mother is the cook, and is demanding appreciation with deep resentment. Can mom have so much to do with War, severe Nationalism, and hate, cooking food for fear and control, and can mom mean being a victim-like-child that no one here dares to confront because they get to live above all human laws? Is the job of mom so dirty a job, that we all defer to her whatever’s, just so none of us will get tricked into getting stuck for twenty years, or even more, building resentment from doing for others while letting their own needs go?

Since there doesn’t ever seem like any answer on Earth offers any more nurturing than mere justice, more blame, and empty solutions to protect mom, then taking all this to Holy Spirit inside, and letting God be my witness seems the only real solution. Receiving now, 5 years of nurturing only speaks to ONENESS benevolence, and magnanimity, that never seems possible in any form here, even mom, having children, or mommy bears with hidden animal resentments. All form must be divisive by definition so inside the continual flow of new ideas from formless, ever-new joy only comes from working closely with Holy Spirit to forgive. I am one male child with forty near death experiences,  sex abuse, neutering, and the severe neglect including no one willing to validate and listen well, about mom perpetration, and it seems to me that the only way to go is within, through forgiveness prayers, and deep meditations.

Please help take away my hate, resentment, and toxic shame from being blamed for what my mom, and gram were doing to ME, and the whole World, that seems to have been stolen away somewhere, while moms get to wreak havoc about projecting onto men what they already act out as hidden abuse with our innocent children. Does blaming fathers and husbands help moms feel better when they project their exploitations of self centeredness, and greed with the help of social, and government mores, and support? Do women use children for money just like they enforce, collectively onto all men by beguiling us with sexy caricatures, as if there were never any shame for merely trying?

Please God, give all deaf men, and women a good, happy and prosperous life and help me to forgive them for not listening about “Mother”. Please enhance my desire to turn everything over to you, God, and help me turn in, in meditation nurturing, and loving support, even forever more. Since my abuse has recreated many hostage situations of mutual projection of blame and hate, help me merely compliment my life now with Worldly, and refreshing experiences from a renewed one-pointed devotion inside in continual prayer, and meditation. Help transform my old understanding of life here before, into new understanding from a spiritual lightness, and humor to help turn down the volume of my resentment from seeming to merely survive here, oh so seeming alone.

Thank you for creating us in ONENESS; thank you for getting me this far that I, even can speak about what happened without melting down with rejection, and humiliating toxic shame; thank you for helping me see God in others so I am more teachable as I see others are true reflections just like me inside; thank you for helping me write every day as an expression of gratitude to exercise our new mind of delight; thank you for helping me sense we are never alone so I can always just sit in stillness to receive more validation as a Spirit, and more fun than all us humans acting like a barrel of monkeys. Maybe what monks really are, are the ones of us that learn to really receive (monkees), when we find God inside, and heal working with Holy Spirit, our inner teacher by doing continual forgiveness prayers. 

I will never change anything of the World, any more than any good, or bad mom ever can, by definition of divisive form in the second place, because inside where all love exists in the first place, seems the source of form to help reflect what never can be Love. Since inside at the causal of form in the formless is where all form comes from in the first place, then how the Hell can any of us get anywhere unless we heal our working relationship with our Creator? Mom, all moms, are reflections of contamination specks of energy just like everything else here, so, even I need to experience what happens with mom every day again in my old tired mind, until forgiveness makes her disappear just like me. Thank you God for helping learn the meaning of: “We are immortal Spirit; these bodies are just an image; they have nothing to do with what we are; we are whole and innocent, even mom and I; all is forgiven and released, and especially all those, that denied my reality before, without listening, affirming, and validating what can happen on any Worldly day, to help wake us up inside so we can live right.