This is Tunia speaking. I love you so very much.
Today I would like to give a few suggestions on how to maintain romantic relationships. This is by no means a complete list. Many common Earth tips on this topic are very valuable too.
Communicate your Needs
This may sound obvious, but it really is critical to communicate your needs, even if you feel that they are weird or that you are being too needy or if you are scared that the other person will reject you.
The reason for this is that there are only really three outcomes possible if you consistently do not meet a certain need that you have.
The first possible outcome is that to an extent, you will become stuck and stop growing and expanding until you do meet that need. This is actually pretty common: you may know someone who spent five or ten years or even longer just being in a relationship and working and going through their routines and hobbies, and they frankly don’t change much during those ten years or more. This may be because of trauma, or because they have an unmet need that they’re continually suppressing. It’s not really natural for an Earth human to not change very much in a span of ten years: usually then there’s some trauma or unmet need that is blocking further growth and expansion. Of course, healthy relationships where you are meeting your needs can actually help you grow and expand and become yourself.
The second possible outcome is that your unfulfilled need slowly poisons the relationship until the relationship ultimately fails.
The third possible outcome is that you will start meeting that need in manipulative ways, for example by lying to your partner and fulfilling that need behind their back, or by using manipulative tactics to try and get your partner to fulfill that need.
Those manipulative tactics can even be subconscious. For example, sometimes adult men have a need to be loved unconditionally and be taken care of — for example, because they didn’t receive this enough as a child. Sometimes those men in relationships become non-responsible and sort of useless and helpless and child-like, as an unconscious manipulative way to try to get their romantic partner to love them unconditionally and take care of them. Of course, this rarely works. Usually the woman is baffled that she suddenly seems to be in a relationship with a child in a grown man’s body, and she becomes harsh towards him in an attempt to get him to start behaving like an adult again. This deeply hurts the man, because he’s getting the opposite of unconditional love. Often this pattern spirals out of control until the relationship ends.
Hence we recommend just communicating your needs instead. If it turns out you two are not compatible because of that, well that can be a very great shame, but it’s preferable to find that out sooner rather than later.
A Day Of Receiving
One way of getting your needs met is introducing a yearly “day of receiving” into your relationship. Say Tom is in a relationship with Anna. Then they pick a day in the year that is Tom’s day of receiving, and another day in the year that is Anna’s day of receiving. During her day of receiving, Anna literally gets to design her day exactly as she wants it. Tom and possibly Anna’s friends and family try to facilitate that and also add whatever he or they can think of to make that day the best it can be for Anna.
For example, before her day of receiving starts, Anna might hand Tom a list of things that she’d like. Say that list includes getting breakfast in bed. Then Tom gives her that and also, without discussing it, can decide to add a present or flowers or a poem to the breakfast in bed. Or give her a massage afterwards.
People are invited here to really get their desires met, even if they’re shallow or hedonistic ones or not really the favorite things of their partner. Of course their partner should still state and protect their boundaries and things should not cost an unreasonable amount of money, but ideally they would be willing to do things during this one day that they don’t really enjoy that much, yet that do fall within their boundaries. For example, if Anna wants to paint Tom’s nails or go to the spa together and Tom doesn’t really enjoy that but it does fall inside his boundaries, then he is invited to let his nails get painted or go to the spa during Anna’s day of receiving.
You can think of this day as the one day where you are invited to meet whatever need or desire you have, which yes, is critical both for people’s personal health as well as the relationship health. You can also think of this day as an exercise in receiving and in asking for what you want, which are topics that people sometimes have blocks in. Thirdly, this day is a practice of asking yourself: “what do I actually want?” You may find that this day isn’t just fun but that it will also help you grow as a person and perhaps give you some insight into yourself.
This is not really the same as a birthday, because conventional birthdays are often polite and formulaic and not really about satisfying all the desires of the person. For example, a person is often supposed to meet their in-laws during the birthday celebration, even if that’s not necessarily the most fun that people could be having. Many people would think it weird if during his birthday, Tom says: “I want to watch sports and have my wife give me a blowjob and a beer and a homemade sandwich. After she has given me those things, I want Anna to leave me alone so that I can watch my sports in peace.” Or it would also be considered weird if during his birthday, Tom said that for a good chunk of the day he wishes to be alone with his buddies, with no family or partner being there. Well, that’s the sort of thing that days of receiving are for. You can be polite and proper and considerate during the other 364 days of the year. We don’t think it’s unreasonable if people get to just indulge their desires during one day of the year. And besides, the other partner also gets to have their day of receiving.
Of course I’ve been discussing some stereotypical male and female suggestions. You don’t have to ask for stereotypical things. You are completely free to ask what you personally want.
If you have children, you can also have your children design one day in the year that they can do what they want, within reason. Or you can use their birthday for this.
I do recognize that some people are struggling so much that they don’t have the time or money to have a day of receiving. I empathize very much and I’m sending you all my love.
Being emotionally safe towards your partner is of absolutely critical importance, for both men and women, for both homosexual and heterosexual relationships.
Emotional safety is a spectrum and from our point of view, very few Earth humans score very high on this spectrum. That is one reason why relationships often don’t work out on Earth.
I discussed emotional safety earlier in my message: “Tunia: Romantic Relationships.” But I think it is important enough that I will repeat it here:
A completely emotionally safe person loves the other person unconditionally, no matter what they do and say, and expresses that. At most they will disagree with and disapprove of certain actions that the other person does, or they may realize that they are not compatible romantically with the other person. But they will never forget that the other person is fundamentally a divine fractal of Source and therefore infinitely valuable and infinitely deserving of love.
A completely emotionally safe person doesn’t try to push a worldview or set of beliefs onto other people. They simply aren’t so scared that they feel that they need to change other people to feel safe themselves. Very many people on Earth right now are playing this game — they feel unsafe and they try to make themselves feel safer by trying to get other people to embrace their worldview. But in turn, this only makes that other person feel unsafe too. However, the emotionally safe person doesn’t try to push their worldview onto others. And this person understands that other people are on their own journey, and ultimately the soul is immortal and can’t be damaged, therefore it is okay if other people make so-called bad choices. They are just walking their own path.
A completely emotionally safe person is able to see the value in other perspectives, even if he or she doesn’t agree with them. If you feel very hostile towards a certain opinion, try genuinely researching it and talking to people who have that opinion, until you are able to at least see some value or plausibility in that perspective. You don’t need to agree with every perspective, but ideally you should be able to do a pretty good job defending any common perspective that’s out there, even if you don’t agree with it.
A completely emotionally safe person is genuinely curious about the other person and will try to get to know them, without trying to change them. A completely emotionally safe person also doesn’t try to fix the other person’s problems unless asked. A completely emotionally safe person listens with the intention to understand, which is actually very rare on your world, and will probably only give unsolicited advice once they fully understand the other person (which is much later than the point where most people give advice).
A completely emotionally safe person does not personally experience emotional turmoil or pain if someone else tells them a story about something painful or traumatic that happened to them. Thus, people correctly feel like they can tell the emotionally safe person anything, without hurting them or being judged by them or being told by them what to think. It is impossible to “trauma dump” on a completely emotionally safe person, because this person is simply compassionate and empathetic and listens well but is not personally emotionally disturbed by hearing about someone else’s trauma.
A completely emotionally safe person might tell the other person that they are loved, they are good just as they are, that every part of them is welcome from the point of view of the emotionally safe person, that the other person doesn’t need to do or say or pretend to be anything they’re not, that a lot of things are possible but almost nothing is required, and that the other person is always free to state their boundaries and that they will be respected. An emotionally safe person might thank the other person for stating their boundaries.
A completely emotionally safe person is open, authentic, vulnerable, freely expresses genuine admiration and approval and will express it if other people inspire him or help him or her to become a better version of themselves.
With regards to those areas where the completely emotionally safe person does not have personal expertise or personal guidance or something like that, his or her opinions are only held with say 80% conviction and certainty, instead of 100% conviction and certainty. Even if mainstream media claims that all experts or scientists say X, then the completely emotionally safe person understands that it is possible that mainstream media is lying and no such consensus actually exists, and hence this person will not state that other opinions are wrong as if that’s a 100% objective fact.
So, this sounds great but how do you become an emotionally safe person?
Well, it’s a process. You probably won’t become a 100% emotionally safe person overnight.
The things we have recommended will over time make you an emotionally safer person. So breathe deeply and slowly, observe your own thoughts and emotions, try to be kind to others, et cetera. The more you grow spiritually, the easier it will be for you to be emotionally safe towards others.
It can also help to remind yourself that other people are divine fractals of Source. If your partner is being unreasonable, well, he or she is still a divine fractal of Source. This can also be helpful when dealing with other people in general and not just with your romantic partner.
What People Give, They Often Want to Receive
Not always but often, people give the things they want to receive. So if your partner often gives you a particular type of thing or particular type of affection, it can be worthwhile to ask them if that’s also something that they would like to receive often. This also applies during sex: not always but often, people give during sex what they want to receive.
Of course, you can also just sit down and ask your partner what type of things they most want to receive and what they most need in order to feel happy and fulfilled in the relationship.
One Way To Deal With Disagreements
Suppose one person has a perspective and another person has another perspective. Both perspectives have some amount of truth and utility behind them. Not necessarily the same amount of truth and utility, but at least some truth and utility.
Surprisingly often from our point of view, this leads to a disagreement or a fight or at least an unpleasant interaction on Earth, because both people want the other to acknowledge the value in their perspective first, before they are willing to consider that the other person’s perspective perhaps has some value too. Of course, if both people want the other person to acknowledge the value of their perspective first, both people end up unhappy.
This may sound silly if I say it out loud like this, but it actually happens all the time.
What we think could be helpful is if people move away from the idea that there is only one perspective that has value in any given situation and move towards the idea that there may be different perspectives that all have some amount of value — not necessarily the same amount, but at least some amount of value. This way, if someone else shares another perspective, you can acknowledge the value in their perspective without feeling like you need to jump the queue and share your perspective instead and feel like the other person needs to acknowledge the value of your perspective first.
You can think of perspectives as glasses. If someone shares a pair of glasses with you, you can say “ah, those are some cool glasses and I can certainly see that they are useful in certain situations.” Maybe you already have glasses that you like wearing, but who knows, maybe one day you will find a use for that new set of glasses that is being shared with you.
So if someone shares a perspective with you, it can be good to first acknowledge the value in their perspective, before either asking more questions to understand it better or sharing your own perspective or saying where you think their perspective may be limited or flawed. You don’t need to agree with a perspective to be able to see at least some amount of value or truth or utility in it.
If you share something and someone else doesn’t acknowledge the value in your perspective and shares their perspective instead, then you can try just acknowledging the value in their perspective. Having people acknowledge the value in their perspective usually makes people happy, because it happens relatively infrequently.
Something Men Should Understand About Women
I’m going to generalize here. This will not apply universally.
Still, a lot of women feel that society has sky-high expectations for them. For one, women are held to an impossible beauty standard — literally impossible, because women are supposed to look like images that are photo-shopped. Women are also sort of expected to be mothers, to have a rich social life, to go on holidays in exotic places while simultaneously reducing their carbon footprint, to spend time helping others, to contribute to positive social change and to also have a rewarding social life and a significantly better-than-average career. Meanwhile, they get very little support from society for all of this, and feel all the time that they may be at risk of being assaulted.
Frankly, almost no one, man or woman, can do all these things. Yet if a woman doesn’t do all those things, the message she receives from culture is that she’s not good enough.
As a point of comparison, men are often only expected to do about two of these things. If a man has a good career and is a loving father to his children, then most people will think that he is doing great and is fulfilling his masculine role, even if he is not physically attractive or has a social life et cetera.
And so in practice, women usually fail the impossibly high standards that society tells them they should reach. And this leads to women feeling not good enough or developing self-hatred or hardening up or over-compensating and publicly proclaiming they are queens who deserve everything, while deep down they subconsciously feel worthless.
So if you are in a relationship with a woman, it can be good to realize that she may be getting pressured by a ton of unrealistic societal expectations and that she may feel like she’s falling short or that she is not good enough as a result. You can talk about this. And also, it can be very healing for her if you regularly express that you think that she is amazing and that she is good enough already, as she is right now. It can also help if you express what she is doing well and what qualities she already possesses.
Of course, some women consciously choose to not do a couple of the things they “should” do according to society. Those women are more likely to have a good life and feel fine — but to an extent these are conscious women who are brave enough to go against the societal current. It’s not really fair to expect everyone to swim against the societal current.
My beautiful sisters, my heart goes out to you. I hope that in the future, you will have the option to live in a much more community-oriented space, if you so choose, with enough personal space but also with a lot more support than you are receiving right now. And I think it’s amazing that despite all this hardship, the vast majority of women are still good-hearted and still kind and still want the best for everyone. Kindness is actually the critical backbone of this whole operation of liberating Earth — without kindness, it could not possibly succeed. And most women, most of the time are kind.
My sisters, you are already good enough and already worthy of love. Society is just having ridiculous expectations. It’s not your fault for not always being able to measure up to those expectations, because they were never reasonable in the first place. You are good enough and have always been good enough. I love you, I think you are amazing and I am so very proud of you.
Something Women Should Understand About Men
Again, I’m going to generalize here. This will not apply to every single man.
Still, non-exceptional (non-rich, non-famous, non-super-attractive, non-crazy-talented) men have more or less the opposite problem that women have. Women receive a ton of attention and societal pressure. Non-exceptional men receive almost no attention, so long as they don’t do anything outrageous. The experience of non-exceptional men is that no one cares about them unless they are useful — and even if they are useful right now, people will stop caring about them once they stop being useful.
In this way, many non-exceptional men are intensely objectified by society. They’re most often objectified for their usefulness instead of the female problem of them being objectified for their body, sure. But that’s still objectification. One female issue with society is “you don’t care about me except for my body” and one non-exceptional man’s issue with society is “you don’t care about me except for my usefulness.”
A deep fear that some non-exceptional men have in relationships is: to my partner, am I just a walking wallet, a walking penis and a walking mouth that says nice things? Does she actually like me, or does she only like me because of how I make her feel and what I can do for her? Would she swap me for another guy if that other guy provided more things to her that she liked?
To be clear, I am not saying that this is what women are actually like. Well, some women are like this, but more evolved women are not. I am also not saying that women shouldn’t be allowed to leave relationships that they no longer enjoy. All I am saying is that this is a fear that some men have.
And as a woman, you can put this fear to rest by saying with some regularity what you specifically like about him in particular, and not just say that you like that he did something nice or that something he did felt good to you. A comment like: “you fucked me so good, that was amazing,” or: “I like that you fixed the wobbly chair,” or: “I feel so safe around you,” is not a comment that actually reassures a guy on a fundamental level, because while one part of him does very much likes hearing that, another part of him wonders what happens if the sex becomes less good or if he stops being useful or if the woman stops feeling as good around him.
So a compliment that does more to reassure him would be something like “I like that you have a certain positive trait.” If you compliment him on a trait or character strength he has, instead of pointing out that he did something useful or something that made you feel good, then that helps to make him feel seen and appreciated and not just useful-at-this-current-moment.
One reason why men are sometimes resistant to taking good advice from their partner is that if their partner suggests that for example they dress better, men sometimes hear “you are not good enough currently, do this in order to become good enough.” And that’s a message that some men have been hearing all their lives and they’re sick of it. The never-ending refrain that society tells men is: “you are not good enough currently, do X and maybe you will be good enough.” But then of course they do X, and society says “you’re not good enough currently, do Y and maybe you will be good enough.” And then Z, et cetera.
If a man is resisting good advice, this can be why (or he can simply feel overwhelmed by his work and his emotional processes at the moment). A solution is to balance out helpful suggestions with plenty of compliments and affection. As a general rule of thumb when interacting with people, whether you are in a relationship with them or not, whether they are a man or a woman, is that you should give 5-15 compliments for every suggestion you make that he could change something. That is a good ratio. If you give fewer compliments than that, a man can perceive you as nagging (or if you keep repeating one thing, that can be perceived as nagging).
I hope this was helpful.
If you have any other relationship tips, please feel free to share them in the comments. Other people might benefit from that.
I leave you today with all my love and well-wishes.
For Era of Light
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