GEORGE CARLIN, ON REVERSING LIFE’S SEQUENCE

I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you’re too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you’re generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then…
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap, and then…
You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.

NOT GETTING THE JOKE

Voltaire: “God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.”

OLD MONK TO YOUNG MONK

On the terrace of a monastery high in the mountains, an old Zen Buddhist monk stood next to a much younger monk while they both contemplated the great Void of misty space out yonder. The old monk at one point gently declared: “Ah, my son, one day all of this (Void) will be yours.”